A Reddit user’s family drama has the internet RAGING—and wait until you hear what her father said…
Original Post:
“AITA for not cancelling my plans to attend my sisters wedding?”
I’ve heard multiple varying opinions from the people I know IRL so I’m posting this here. For context, I have three siblings and we are all in our 20s. Our oldest sister “Jane” (F29) recently announced her engagement to a man we all knew but no one knew she was dating. And the only place she announced this was Facebook. She claimed she thought none of us would see and had asked our father to let us know of the engagement. Her, and our mother and father live in the small town we all grew up in, less than five minutes away from each other. The rest of us live on the East and West Coast respectively.
For some reason, I (26F) ended up logging into my Facebook on a night I couldn’t sleep after getting back from a trip, and seeing Jane and “Aaron”s (30M) status update announcing their engagement. I called Jane the next day to congratulate her, and let her know I was slightly confused but still happy for her. Jane blew up at me after I expressed my confusion (in a peaceful manner) and we haven’t spoken since.
I have spoken to our father multiple times since then and have been informed that “this is just how she behaves” and that I need to “suck it up and show up” but I really don’t care anymore and neither do my other two siblings. The lack of communication has been loud, and I don’t care to unravel the layers of disrespect that have been happening.
The icing on the cake is that I have an important surgery planned for the week before that will take weeks of recovery, that has been scheduled since the beginning of the year. I’m not willing to reschedule my plans for a last minute chaotic wedding of two people that can’t be bothered to communicate with anyone. I’ve let my family know I’ll do my best to make it but the plans I’ve made come first, especially after all the planning it took to take off that much time from work. AITA for not cancelling my plans to make sure I can show up to this wedding?
EDIT (since multiple people have asked)
- I was invited to the wedding. I got an invitation in the mail a week later even though we hadn’t spoken.
- The surgery is for major vision issues that are keeping me from driving and causing major headaches that make it hard to go to work every day.
- No one in our family knew she was dating “Aaron”, not even our parents.
The Drama That Has Reddit SEETHING
Picture this: You’ve spent MONTHS planning a critical medical procedure that will finally fix debilitating vision problems that prevent you from driving and cause daily headaches at work. You’ve coordinated time off, arranged recovery care, jumped through insurance hoops—the whole nine yards. Then your sister, who you barely speak to, announces a surprise engagement on FACEBOOK to a man NO ONE in the family even knew she was dating, and expects you to drop everything for her last-minute wedding.
Oh, and when you politely congratulate her? She EXPLODES at you and gives you the silent treatment.
Welcome to the wild world of family wedding drama that has the r/AmItheAsshole community absolutely FIRED UP.
The Shocking Details That Make This Even WORSE
Let’s break down the layers of dysfunction in this family saga that reads like a reality TV script:
The Secret Relationship: Jane, 29, was apparently dating “Aaron” in complete secrecy. Not even her PARENTS knew about the relationship. Who does that? The level of communication breakdown here is staggering.
The Facebook Announcement: Instead of picking up the phone like a normal person, Jane announced her engagement on social media and then claimed she “thought none of us would see it.” In 2025. On Facebook. Where family members are literally connected. Make it make sense.
The Explosive Reaction: When the original poster (OP) called to congratulate her sister—you know, being a decent human being—Jane “blew up” at her for expressing confusion. Let that sink in. She got ANGRY at her sister for being confused about an engagement to a man no one knew existed in her life.
The Enabling Father: Perhaps the most infuriating part? Dad’s response was essentially “this is just how she behaves” and demanding OP “suck it up and show up.” Stressful situations, such as planning a wedding, may bring out the worst in people. But this goes beyond wedding stress—this is a pattern of behavior that’s been normalized.
Why This Surgery Isn’t Just “Plans”—It’s LIFE-CHANGING
Here’s where this story goes from frustrating to absolutely ENRAGING for anyone with a shred of empathy:
The OP’s “plans” aren’t a vacation or a spa weekend. We’re talking about major vision surgery that addresses issues preventing her from DRIVING and causing debilitating headaches that interfere with her ability to work. This has been scheduled since the BEGINNING OF THE YEAR.
For most people, it does not make sense to schedule a knee replacement right before a big life event, like a move, family wedding, or an active vacation. Medical professionals recognize that major surgeries require careful timing and shouldn’t be rescheduled lightly. Surgery always has some risks. So it’s important to weigh the benefits against the risks before surgery.
The recovery alone will take WEEKS. The OP has coordinated extensive time off work—no small feat in today’s workplace. And Jane expects her to just… reschedule? As if surgeons have open slots like hair appointments?
What The Experts Say About This Toxic Family Dynamic
Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, would likely have a field day with this situation. Stressful situations, such as planning a wedding, may bring out the worst in people. It isn’t always wise to make a decision about someone’s character based on short-term, stress-fueled behavior.
But here’s the thing: This ISN’T short-term behavior. The OP describes “layers of disrespect” that have been building. The father’s comment that “this is just how she behaves” confirms this is a PATTERN.
Many couples experience conflict with family members during wedding planning. If that conflict remains unresolved, it can have a lifelong impact on you, your partner, and your family. The research is clear: unresolved family conflicts during major life events create lasting damage.
One of the most important steps in managing family dynamics during wedding planning is setting clear and healthy boundaries. Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring that the focus remains on what’s best for you and your partner.
But what happens when the person getting married refuses to communicate at all? When they blow up at family members for reasonable questions? That’s not wedding stress—that’s toxic behavior.
Reddit UNLEASHES: The Comments That Say It All
The internet had THOUGHTS, and they weren’t holding back:
Top Comment (1.2K upvotes): “NTA Keep your surgery date and ignore the wedding.”
One commenter perfectly captured the absurdity: “You’re not worth a phone call to notify you of the engagement, but you’re expected to attend? You’re so important, in fact, that you need to postpone surgery? Absolutely not. NTA.”
Another user delivered this savage truth bomb: “She doesn’t have the minimal courtesy to even tell you she’s getting married, and then she yells at you when you congratulate her? You have zero obligation or reason to attend. If your being there meant anything to her, she would have at least told you it was happening.”
The petty suggestions rolled in too: “I know it’s a cheap shot, but tell her you’ll come to her next one.” OUCH. But honestly? Fair.
One commenter suspected the rushed timeline: “Suddenly engaged to a guy no one knew you were dating? Invites the next weeks on the wedding must be soon? Def shotgun wedding.” The tea is SCALDING.
The Father’s Role in This Mess
Let’s talk about Dad for a minute, because his enabling behavior is a HUGE part of the problem.
Family conflicts during wedding planning can be detrimental to your mental health. So even when planning your wedding, prioritize your mental health. This includes understanding the possible causes of conflicts and learning how to navigate them without hurting anyone.
But Dad isn’t navigating anything—he’s demanding compliance. His “suck it up and show up” mentality is exactly the kind of toxic family dynamic that therapists warn against. Recognize that toxic family members often act out of their own issues, not because of something you’ve done. Their behavior is a reflection of their internal struggles, not a personal attack. This perspective helps you detach emotionally from their negativity.
By dismissing Jane’s behavior as “just how she is,” Dad is essentially telling his other children that Jane’s feelings matter more than theirs. That her inability to communicate like an adult is everyone else’s problem to manage.
The Medical Reality: Why Postponing Surgery Is NOT An Option
Let’s get real about what postponing surgery actually means:
Progression is a key feature of many surgical diseases, and delays in treatment result in worse outcomes and higher mortality for patients across a broad spectrum of diseases. For certain cancers, advancement to later stages can occur in as little as 4 to 8 weeks, well within projected delays of elective surgical procedures.
While the OP’s vision surgery may not be life-threatening, it’s affecting her quality of life DAILY. She can’t drive. She has constant headaches that make work difficult. These aren’t minor inconveniences—they’re debilitating conditions.
[…] Cancellations create untold financial, logistic, and psychological hardships for the patients and their relatives who plan their working and family lives around postponed date of operation.
Rescheduling would mean:
- Finding a new surgery date (which could be MONTHS away)
- Rearranging work schedules AGAIN
- Potentially losing the time off already approved
- Continuing to suffer with vision problems and headaches
- Possible insurance complications
All for a wedding where the bride can’t even be bothered to communicate with her family?
What This Really Reveals About Family Expectations
This story exposes a deeper truth about family dynamics that makes people uncomfortable: Just because someone is family doesn’t mean they get to treat you like garbage and still expect your unconditional support.
Yes, it’s okay to uninvite a toxic family member from your wedding if their presence would disrupt your special day or negatively impact your emotional well-being. Weddings are about celebrating love and joy, not managing unnecessary drama.
The same principle applies in reverse. If someone treats you with disrespect, refuses to communicate, and then expects you to sacrifice your health for their convenience? You’re allowed to say no.
If it gets to the level of toxicity and you feel there’s no path to resolution then know when to walk away. If someone truly has the potential to ruin your wedding day, think about whether they should be there in the first place.
The OP isn’t ruining Jane’s wedding by prioritizing her health. Jane ruined the relationship by her pattern of disrespectful behavior and poor communication.
The Verdict: NTA (Not The Ahole) – And It’s Not Even Close**
Reddit delivered a resounding verdict: NTA. Not even a little bit.
The consensus? Send a gift, send your regrets, and take care of your health. Your sister made her choices—announcing on Facebook, keeping her relationship secret, exploding at you for congratulating her, maintaining radio silence. Those are HER choices, and the consequences are hers to bear.
One commenter summed it up perfectly: “NTA. Just say they can’t reschedule the surgery so going will jeopardize your health.”
Another offered this wisdom: “Your health comes first. Take care of yourself.”
The Bigger Picture: When Family Becomes Toxic
This story resonates because SO many people have experienced similar family dynamics. The expectation that you should sacrifice your wellbeing for family members who don’t respect you. The enabling parents who demand you accommodate bad behavior “because that’s just how they are.”
When conflict occurs surrounding a major event like a wedding, the impact can affect the entire family unit for years to come. How that conflict affects you specifically, can look different. Here are a few ways that unresolved disputes may manifest over time: Navigating the strained relationship they are experiencing with their family member, like an in-law, and what that new dynamic looks like between the family member and their spouse or children can be difficult.
The OP is setting a boundary. She’s saying “my health matters. My plans matter. I matter.” And that’s not selfish—that’s HEALTHY.
What Happens Next?
The OP updated that she received an invitation in the mail despite not speaking to Jane. Talk about passive-aggressive! Can’t pick up the phone, but can mail an invitation?
The other two siblings are reportedly on the same page—they’re done with Jane’s behavior too. This isn’t one person being difficult; it’s multiple family members recognizing a pattern of disrespect.
Will the OP attend the wedding? She’s made it clear: if she’s recovered enough from her surgery, maybe. But the surgery comes first. As it should.
The Takeaway
This story is a masterclass in boundary-setting and prioritizing your own wellbeing over toxic family expectations. It’s a reminder that:
- Your health is not negotiable for someone else’s convenience
- Poor planning on someone else’s part doesn’t constitute an emergency on yours
- Family members who can’t communicate respectfully don’t get to demand your presence
- Enabling bad behavior helps no one
- You are allowed to say no
So what do YOU think? Is the OP wrong for prioritizing her vision surgery over her sister’s last-minute wedding? Or is Jane the one who needs to take a hard look at her behavior?
Drop your thoughts in the comments—because this family drama is FAR from over, and we’re here for every update!
UPDATE: The post has received over 956 upvotes and 84 comments, with the overwhelming majority supporting the OP’s decision to prioritize her health. Stay tuned for any updates on whether she actually attends this train wreck of a wedding!
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