One year of mooching. Zero contributions. Endless excuses. But when his negligence led to a 12-year-old dog’s tragic death, this husband finally snapped—and now his wife thinks HE’S the problem.
When family needs help, most of us don’t hesitate to open our doors. A temporary place to stay, a few months to get back on your feet—it’s what family does, right? But what happens when “temporary” becomes permanent, gratitude turns into entitlement, and a tragic accident exposes just how little respect your houseguest actually has for you?
One Reddit user’s story has ignited a firestorm of outrage across the internet, and for good reason. Posted to r/AmItheAsshole with over 9,300 upvotes, this tale of a freeloading brother-in-law, an enabling wife, and one devastating loss has readers absolutely seething—and questioning whether family loyalty has its limits.
The Original Post: A Year of Freeloading Comes to a Tragic End
Here’s the full story, exactly as the original poster (OP) shared it:
“AITA for finally telling my brother-in-law to leave after he’s been mooching off us for a year?”
“He moved in saying he just needed ‘a few months’ until he was able to save enough money to rent his own place. It’s been a year, but he’s never once paid for bills, groceries, nothing. He doesn’t even do basic chores, but my wife (she’s his brother) always tries to cover for him and does his chores for him instead. He leaves dishes in the sink, doesn’t take out the trash. Just sits around on his phone when he’s at home to play mobile games or goes out on his motorcycle to go on long rides with his buddies.
We’ve been biting our tongues because he’s family, but last week was the last straw. He came home late, parked his bike, and didn’t lock the gate. As a result of his neglect, our dog of 12 years got out. We searched everywhere and even made Facebook posts, only to find out a few hours later that he got hit by a car just outside our subdivision. We were devastated and I was very furious.
But guess who was the one acting pissed off?? My BIL. Saying it ‘wasn’t his fault’ and that ‘shit happens’ and that he’d just buy us a new dog. LOL. He hasn’t even contributed a single cent to our monthly electric or internet bills.
I lost it. Told him to pack his stuff and get out. My wife thinks I was too harsh, but I honestly don’t care anymore. He doesn’t respect our home, our rules, or our damn dog. AITA for not considering my wife’s feelings first? A part of me feels that we should’ve talked about it first, but then I acted on my own out of anger. AITA?”
Read that again. Let it sink in. Twelve years. That’s not just a pet—that’s a family member who’s been there through job changes, moves, celebrations, and heartbreaks. And this man’s response? “Shit happens. I’ll buy you a new one.”
The Mooching: A Textbook Case of Entitlement
Let’s break down what happened over that year, because the dog’s death—as horrific as it is—was just the final straw in a long pattern of disrespect.
The brother-in-law (BIL) promised he needed “a few months.” After a child’s loss of a job or a divorce, naturally, parents want to help, expecting the situation to be temporary, even though they say “stay as long as you want.” But according to experts, Why move out of the family home when you can stay there rent-free with meals included?
For an entire year, this man:
- Paid ZERO dollars toward bills, groceries, or household expenses
- Did ZERO chores—leaving his sister to clean up after him like he’s a child
- Spent his time playing mobile games and going on motorcycle rides with friends
- Showed ZERO gratitude or effort to improve his situation
First, figure out what you’re doing that enables the mooching—and stop it. Second, don’t make excuses for your kid’s neediness. Coddling and excuses encourage dependency; they’ll never help your child stand on his own feet financially.
The Wife’s Role: When Enabling Becomes Destructive
Perhaps the most troubling aspect of this entire situation is the wife’s behavior. Throughout the year, she:
- Covered for her brother’s laziness
- Did his chores for him
- Made excuses for his behavior
- And even after her brother’s negligence killed their dog, she STILL thought her husband was “too harsh”
Enabling behaviors and denial play significant roles in perpetuating toxic family dynamics. Family members may unconsciously support harmful patterns through actions that shield the toxic individual from consequences, often rooted in a desire to maintain family harmony or avoid conflict.
You have to stop enabling grown children. Why? If you read this article, you will understand that enabling them is not helping. It is in fact the opposite.
The wife’s enabling behavior created an environment where her brother faced zero consequences for his actions. He had no incentive to change, no reason to contribute, and no motivation to move out. Why would he? He had free room and board, a personal maid service (his sister), and apparently, unconditional support no matter how badly he behaved.
The Tragedy: When Carelessness Costs a Life
And then came the night that changed everything.
The BIL came home late. He parked his motorcycle. And he didn’t lock the gate.
That one act of carelessness—the same carelessness he’d shown for an entire year—led to their 12-year-old dog escaping and being hit by a car.
Anyone who’s ever loved a dog knows they’re not just pets. They’re companions who greet you at the door, comfort you when you’re sad, and become woven into the fabric of your daily life. Twelve years of memories, loyalty, and love—gone in an instant because someone couldn’t be bothered to lock a gate.
But here’s where it gets even MORE infuriating.
The Response That Broke the Camel’s Back
Instead of being apologetic, remorseful, or even sympathetic, the BIL got ANGRY. He refused to take responsibility. He dismissed their grief with “shit happens.” And then—in what might be the most tone-deaf, callous response imaginable—he offered to “just buy them a new dog.”
As if a living, breathing family member of 12 years can be replaced like a broken appliance.
As if their grief doesn’t matter.
As if he hasn’t been living rent-free in their home for a year without contributing a single dollar.
That’s when OP finally snapped. And honestly? Most people would have snapped much sooner.
What the Experts Say About Freeloading Family Members
This situation is far from unique. Lots of families have one: a family freeloader. The adult child who still gets money from parents each month to make it… What brings this to a crisis point is that a parent’s health fails or a parent passes away.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Angela Sitka explains that boundaries are “like a promise you make to yourself to take care of your own needs while interacting in your relationships,” she says.
According to Psychology Today, It’s important to have healthy boundaries, regardless of whether or not others understand and accept them. Limiting time with toxic people is an act of self-love.
Whether they’re in-laws, siblings or extended blood relatives, difficult family members can take a toll on your mental health and overall peace of mind. However, if you have a particularly difficult family member, it’s important to put healthy boundaries in place to protect your mental health and well-being.
Experts note that The point is toxic people don’t want you to have boundaries because it’s harder to control someone who is not easily accessible to them. A toxic person lives for invading other people’s boundaries.
Reddit’s Verdict: Absolutely NTA (Not The Ahole)**
The Reddit community came out in OVERWHELMING support of OP. Let’s look at what commenters had to say:
IamIrene wrote: “AITA for not considering my wife’s feelings first? Why isn’t she considering your feelings? Why does her brother seem to have priority in your home?? That’s not okay. NTA. He didn’t get his act together within 3 months. It’s my guess he never planned to until he was forced to. The whole not contributing anything to your household is just such gross, entitled behavior. Good on you for finally taking care of business. I’m so sorry about your dog. :\”
lonewolf369963 added: “Agreed. OP has been considerate towards his wife’s feelings for at least a year, hence letting the BIL live rent free. Honestly, she doesn’t have any grounds to be hurt or say anything to OP as her brother overstayed his welcome in the first place”
Quiet_Moon2191 didn’t mince words: “She can leave too if she is so upset for her brother.”
OldBroad1964 expressed what many were thinking: “Honestly, I’d kick out my bil to save his life. Because I’d want to throttle him.”
KimB-booksncats-11 took it even further: “Want to? Someone would have to hold me back to stop me!!!”
ebolainajar raised an excellent point: “Why is your wife not more upset about the dog? Or his attitude about letting the dog out? You can’t just replace a family member like it was nothing. He needed to go before but there’s no coming back from the dog thing now. He could have been contrite and apologetic, but he couldn’t even do that. On top on not paying any bills or doing any chores he can’t apologize for inadvertently hurting your dog?? Dude has to go.”
ShortThunder5145 was blunt: “Seriously a family member that caused a situation like this would be dead to me.”
DanielLCG addressed the marriage issue: “Your wife is TA. And a huge one at that. She is disrespectful to you and your home. Her brother should not be her priority. Her husband should come first, especially in your home. She’s nuts!”
FacetiousTomato pointed out: “NTA and if my wife had a brother like that and kept covering for him we’d been in therapy or divorce, you need to be the priority not his stupid butt”
obiy88 expressed sympathy: “NTA. He can’t take responsibility for shit. He’s as responsible as the driver for your sweet dog’s tragic death. I would’ve thrown him out right then and there with 0 remorse. ‘Buy another dog’, wtf. Disgusting. He does not deserve one bit of your kindness and generosity. So sorry for your loss 💌”
MaraiDragorrak made an important distinction: “I’d say more responsible for the dog’s death than the driver. The driver most likely was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and if they’re a compassionate person are likely going through all sorts of complicated emotions trying to reconcile their role in killing someone’s beloved pet.”
Apart-Ad-6518 summed it up: “NTA. So sorry about your dog. His attitude over that alone justifies kicking him out. He moved in saying he just needed ‘a few months’ until he was able to save enough money to rent his own place. It’s been a year, but he’s never once paid for bills, groceries, nothing. He doesn’t even do basic chores. I lost it. You weren’t too harsh. If anything you weren’t harsh enough”
DirectAntique agreed: “OP was generous letting him stay for a year. I’d have kicked him out after 3 months.”
One commenter even joked: dalealace wrote: “I’d tell him instead of ‘buying a new dog’ I was going to buy my wife a new brother.”
The Bigger Picture: When Family Becomes Toxic
This story highlights a painful reality that many people face: sometimes, family members can be the most toxic people in our lives.
Some basic characteristics of toxic behavior are manipulation, blaming, lying, being judgmental, and rarely taking responsibility. Key strategies are setting boundaries, limiting contact, and not engaging in toxic interactions.
Toxic family members are, at the core, abusive family members. Abuse can take many forms, including physical, sexual, and emotional. These family members are harmful, either intentionally or unintentionally. While anyone can cause harm from time to time, especially when they themselves are hurt, with a toxic family member, this is likely the norm and not the exception.
One of the biggest signs of toxicity is the inability to take any kind of accountability, shares Morgan Pommells, MSW, RSW. A parent, sibling, or other family member may often place blame for anything that’s wrong on someone else—you, included.
Sound familiar? The BIL refused to take any responsibility for the dog’s death, instead getting angry and dismissive.
Should OP Have Talked to His Wife First?
OP admits to feeling some guilt about not discussing the decision with his wife before kicking out her brother. He asks: “AITA for not considering my wife’s feelings first? A part of me feels that we should’ve talked about it first, but then I acted on my own out of anger.”
But here’s the thing: OP had been considering his wife’s feelings for an ENTIRE YEAR. He bit his tongue through months of:
- Watching his BIL contribute nothing
- Seeing his wife enable her brother’s behavior
- Living with someone who showed zero respect for their home
- Tolerating laziness, entitlement, and ingratitude
The dog’s death was simply the final straw in a long line of boundary violations. And even then, the BIL’s response showed such callous disregard that immediate action was warranted.
As Reddit user Chloet5759 put it: “NTA – Your wife thinks you were too harsh!??? She has got to be kidding! He was responsible for your dog getting out resulting in the unthinkable (I’m so very sorry for your loss)!!! I give you so much credit for not physically throwing him and all his sh*t out!”
The Marriage Question: Is This Relationship in Trouble?
Perhaps the most concerning aspect of this entire situation is the wife’s continued defense of her brother even after his negligence killed their dog. This raises serious questions about the marriage and where her loyalties lie.
Research has shown that setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can have numerous benefits. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, individuals with clear personal boundaries are less likely to burn out, experience psychological distress, and are more capable of managing interpersonal conflicts.
Alas, toxic people rarely change their behavior, or want to. “They may lack self-awareness or respond with denial when confronted with their poor treatment of others,” she says.
The question now is: Will the wife continue to enable her brother, or will she finally see that her husband—who has shown remarkable patience for an entire year—deserves to be her priority?
What Happens Next?
OP’s post ends with uncertainty. Will his marriage survive this? Will his wife choose her husband or her brother? Will she finally recognize that her enabling behavior has consequences?
The Reddit community is rooting for OP to stand firm. As one commenter noted, if the wife can’t see her brother’s toxic behavior even after it resulted in the death of their beloved pet, then perhaps couples therapy—or even more drastic measures—might be necessary.
The Takeaway: Lessons for Everyone
This heartbreaking story serves as a powerful reminder of several important truths:
- “A few months” needs a concrete deadline—Get it in writing, set clear expectations, and establish what “getting back on your feet” actually means.
- Enabling behavior helps no one—By doing her brother’s chores and making excuses for him, the wife prevented him from facing the natural consequences of his actions and growing as a person.
- Boundaries aren’t cruel, they’re necessary—Setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting ourselves; it’s about fostering healthier relationships. When we set boundaries, we teach others how to treat us, but we also learn to respect the boundaries of others, leading to mutual respect and understanding.
- Your spouse should be your priority—Not extended family who disrespect your home and show no gratitude for your generosity.
- Grief is real and valid—Anyone who dismisses the loss of a beloved pet with “shit happens” and offers to “buy a new one” fundamentally doesn’t understand love, loyalty, or respect.
- Actions have consequences—The BIL’s year of freeloading might have been tolerated, but his negligence causing a death and his callous response to it crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed.
The Final Word
So, was OP the a**hole for kicking out his brother-in-law after a year of mooching culminated in the tragic death of their 12-year-old dog?
The internet has spoken with a resounding NTA. If anything, OP showed remarkable restraint in tolerating the situation for as long as he did. The BIL had a year to get his act together, contribute to the household, and show basic respect and gratitude. He did none of those things. And when his carelessness led to tragedy, he couldn’t even muster an apology.
As for the wife? She needs to take a long, hard look at her priorities and ask herself: Is enabling my brother worth losing my husband? Because that’s the path she’s on.
What do YOU think? Was OP justified in immediately kicking out his brother-in-law, or should he have given him another chance despite everything? And more importantly—is this marriage salvageable if the wife continues to prioritize her brother over her husband? Drop your thoughts in the comments below!
This story was originally shared on Reddit’s r/AmItheAsshole community 8 months ago. The post received over 9,300 upvotes and 589 comments. All quotes have been reproduced as written by the original poster and commenters.
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