When physical intimacy disappears from a marriage, resentment is almost inevitable. But what happens when that loss is tied to years of rejection, betrayal, and now a chronic illness? One woman shared her story on r/AITAH, and the responses show just how divided the internet is.
👉 Original Post: AITAH for resenting how much my husband’s newly diagnosed illness is impacting our sex life?
The Original Post (OP)
“Husband and I are both early 30s and have been together for 14 years. I’ve always had a high sex drive, and for me it’s an important means of connection. We had three kids in 4 years, and while I know for many women this isn’t the case, my drive increased because I was giving so much physically all day, that sex was a way of refilling my cup.
H has never really matched my drive… once, I had the kids in their room napping, came out in lingerie, and he asked for a ‘rain check’ because he wanted to watch a movie. For years, I tried to initiate and he would always say no. I felt like I was begging to be touched. Eventually, I had a breakdown and asked for a divorce. That’s when I found out he had been having an affair with a coworker — they had sex three times in four weeks. While I was literally crying and begging for intimacy, he gave it away so easily to someone else.
Around the same time, he got sick — pneumonia that never really went away. Months of tests led to a diagnosis of chronic respiratory illness. Medications helped for a bit, and for about six weeks we were finally intimate again. He initiated, took care of me, even made an effort to go down on me when before he never did. Then the meds stopped working. Now sex isn’t really an option. As soon as he gets out of breath, he loses his erection. We tried with me doing all the work, but it just leaves him stressed and unable to finish.
I admitted recently that I feel resentful. Not at him for being sick, but at the fact that I finally started healing from years of rejection and betrayal only to have intimacy ripped away again. I’m exhausted being the caretaker all the time — after my own surgeries and chronic pain, I wish I could be the one cared for. But instead, I’m carrying the load of the whole house, forgiving an affair, and getting nothing back physically or emotionally.
He told me I’m being selfish, that I’m punishing him for being sick. The next day he apologized, but said I’ve made him feel like a failure and I can’t take that back. So AITAH for resenting how much his illness is impacting our sex life?”
Reddit’s Brutal Comments
Redditors didn’t hold back — and nearly everyone zeroed in on one theme: this isn’t about illness, it’s about betrayal.
- The Simplest Answer:
“Couldn’t you just say he was cheating on you? Question: ‘AITAH for resenting my husband because he cheated on me while I was begging him for sex.’ Answer: No. Divorce him.” — Worried_Oil8913
- Cheating Can’t Be Excused:
“He CHEATED on you while you were trying to be intimate with him. Doesn’t matter how pushy she was — if he loved you, he wouldn’t have done it. Now you voice frustrations and he calls you selfish? He doesn’t love you, he loves that you didn’t love yourself enough to leave.” — sassy_ismyname
- Years of Neglect:
*“He neglected your needs for *years* AND cheated on you. You’re stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. Divorce. You deserve better.”* — MotherTeresaOnlyfans
- The Hypocrisy:
“He had time and energy to get hard and cheat, but claims he ‘didn’t realize intimacy was important’? No way would I take care of him after that.” — Material-Host847
- Validation for OP:
“You’re not blaming him for being sick, you’re grieving lost intimacy while carrying a heavy load. Your feelings are valid.” — georgie_bellee
- The Foundation Is Broken:
“He didn’t choose to be sick, but he did choose to cheat. If you leave him, it’s not about the illness — it’s about years of selfishness.” — IllustratorSlow1614
- The Most Upvoted Comment (1.2K upvotes):
“Once a cheater, always a cheater. He slept with this woman THREE TIMES after you begged for divorce because he wouldn’t be intimate with you. WHY are you still with him? Divorce already.” — Parking-Air3844
The Takeaway
The overwhelming consensus? OP is not the asshole.
Yes, illness complicates intimacy. But as commenters pointed out, her resentment isn’t just about sex — it’s about years of rejection, betrayal, and emotional neglect.
The bigger question isn’t whether illness killed their sex life. It’s whether this marriage ever had the foundation to survive in the first place.
🔥 And Reddit’s answer is nearly unanimous: “Divorce him.”
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